Showing posts with label mourning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mourning. Show all posts
I will forever think of January as the darkest month.
For twenty years whenever the first day of the New Year rolled in I would remember my dad had died New Year's Eve of 1992, he didn't get to see the first day of '93.
January of 2013 rolled in with extreme excitement . The past year had been awesome. The first year in years of waiting for dreaded phone calls, that none came. Many happy days of waking and not having any bad news concerning my sister's health. Great parties and celebrations. The happy news my children's books would finally 'be' in print . I texted my sister (the eldest one) immediately after midnight to wish her a happy new year, joyously proclaiming how I was seeing great things happening in 2013. She responded, in all caps- FOR ALL OF US....not even two weeks later, the phone call came.
As my sister (the youngest) and I rushed through the doors of the hospital towards the elevators for ICU I had my head down responding to well wishes from Facebook friends on my cell. Suddenly I could see my dad walk past and I quickly turned around to see if maybe I had walked too close to someone who resembled him and I would apologize. No one was there. This was one of those, 'oh, Damn moments' you never want to face.
My unexpected movements caused my sister to stop,too. I explained what I thought I saw and we brushed it off and continued on our way. I kept that vision to myself, but I knew in that moment our life was going to change.
Why else would he be there except to see his favorite daughter. Who else would God send, but the man who angered her the most. It gave me comfort to believe they had finally made up and Angela's soul would 'be' at rest. Needless to say, I really wanted to believe 'he' was there to comfort her and send her back to us. Didn't happen.
And then here comes 2014, another year of full faced devastation. Once again I get a call, this time it's Mom. For 17 days I sat by her side praying for a miracle and wanting every twitch to 'be' a good sign, I knew better.
I can't even explain the feelings of the days to come. On Thanksgiving morning, she passed away.
Its as if life exploded into a million fragments in a wind tunnel made from a black plastic bag. You punch and fight to get out while trying to put your life back together. Trying to hurry and put the pieces back together and then get out of the bag before you smother in your sorrow. The only thing that will save you is acceptance. Once you go through that door, all else is easier. It doesn't get better, nothing really changes but it seems easier, the weight of grief is gone, the days feel brighter and the new normal seems promising.
I still see great things happening this 2015, I just see them from a different angle.
I have to say, when my time comes and if God sends the one person who irritated me so much in life that every time I saw or thought of him I wanted to spit, God and I will box for sure.
*God and I Will Box for Sure* #grief #thingslegendsaremadeof
death +
grief +
mourning
For twenty years whenever the first day of the New Year rolled in I would remember my dad had died New Year's Eve of 1992, he didn't get to see the first day of '93.
January of 2013 rolled in with extreme excitement . The past year had been awesome. The first year in years of waiting for dreaded phone calls, that none came. Many happy days of waking and not having any bad news concerning my sister's health. Great parties and celebrations. The happy news my children's books would finally 'be' in print . I texted my sister (the eldest one) immediately after midnight to wish her a happy new year, joyously proclaiming how I was seeing great things happening in 2013. She responded, in all caps- FOR ALL OF US....not even two weeks later, the phone call came.
As my sister (the youngest) and I rushed through the doors of the hospital towards the elevators for ICU I had my head down responding to well wishes from Facebook friends on my cell. Suddenly I could see my dad walk past and I quickly turned around to see if maybe I had walked too close to someone who resembled him and I would apologize. No one was there. This was one of those, 'oh, Damn moments' you never want to face.
My unexpected movements caused my sister to stop,too. I explained what I thought I saw and we brushed it off and continued on our way. I kept that vision to myself, but I knew in that moment our life was going to change. Why else would he be there except to see his favorite daughter. Who else would God send, but the man who angered her the most. It gave me comfort to believe they had finally made up and Angela's soul would 'be' at rest. Needless to say, I really wanted to believe 'he' was there to comfort her and send her back to us. Didn't happen.
And then here comes 2014, another year of full faced devastation. Once again I get a call, this time it's Mom. For 17 days I sat by her side praying for a miracle and wanting every twitch to 'be' a good sign, I knew better.
I can't even explain the feelings of the days to come. On Thanksgiving morning, she passed away.Its as if life exploded into a million fragments in a wind tunnel made from a black plastic bag. You punch and fight to get out while trying to put your life back together. Trying to hurry and put the pieces back together and then get out of the bag before you smother in your sorrow. The only thing that will save you is acceptance. Once you go through that door, all else is easier. It doesn't get better, nothing really changes but it seems easier, the weight of grief is gone, the days feel brighter and the new normal seems promising.
I still see great things happening this 2015, I just see them from a different angle.
I have to say, when my time comes and if God sends the one person who irritated me so much in life that every time I saw or thought of him I wanted to spit, God and I will box for sure.
Sometimes life is so out of our control we have to step back and view it from another angle.
For those who didn't know, my sister passed away a month ago, today. I tell myself it's okay, it's for the best. She's happier and healthier and yet I am still pissed. I feel as if I am on a short fuse and I wonder if that is how the other members of my family feel. People are snapping. Saying little things they've never said. Using words they've never used. Showing faces I have never seen them make. We're all just a little different.
Sunday we celebrated birthdays. My grandson made 2 earlier in the month while my daughter and my sister's daughter celebrated their shared birthdays on the 21st of this month. This was our first major get together since her passing. Of course we had fun, good conversation and laughter. But the grief could be seen in everyone's eyes. We, at least I, never mentioned Angela once. I wonder if that was a good thing.
I just know when I watched my daughter working on the cake she made for her son, I wanted to kick something. I know my sister would have been so tickled at the hand made deco. I know she would have loved watching Pinoch showing off all he has recently learned, playing with her grandchild, watching our so grown children and I wanted to kick something.
I don't know what really helps during this time, but my brother-in-law recommends the book 90 Minutes in Heaven. He believes Don Piper, who says he died and went to Heaven, shares his insights and his anger on having to return to life. Just looking at my sister's husband and the smile he carries on his face I have to believe him when he says 'Once you read this book you will be so comforted it will put everything into perspective.' I may have to read it.
What is your take on grief/anger and how have you handled it?
What's Your Secret to Handling Grief and Anger?
birthdays +
Ey Wade +
family +
grief +
mourning
Sometimes life is so out of our control we have to step back and view it from another angle.
For those who didn't know, my sister passed away a month ago, today. I tell myself it's okay, it's for the best. She's happier and healthier and yet I am still pissed. I feel as if I am on a short fuse and I wonder if that is how the other members of my family feel. People are snapping. Saying little things they've never said. Using words they've never used. Showing faces I have never seen them make. We're all just a little different.Sunday we celebrated birthdays. My grandson made 2 earlier in the month while my daughter and my sister's daughter celebrated their shared birthdays on the 21st of this month. This was our first major get together since her passing. Of course we had fun, good conversation and laughter. But the grief could be seen in everyone's eyes. We, at least I, never mentioned Angela once. I wonder if that was a good thing. I just know when I watched my daughter working on the cake she made for her son, I wanted to kick something. I know my sister would have been so tickled at the hand made deco. I know she would have loved watching Pinoch showing off all he has recently learned, playing with her grandchild, watching our so grown children and I wanted to kick something. I don't know what really helps during this time, but my brother-in-law recommends the book 90 Minutes in Heaven. He believes Don Piper, who says he died and went to Heaven, shares his insights and his anger on having to return to life. Just looking at my sister's husband and the smile he carries on his face I have to believe him when he says 'Once you read this book you will be so comforted it will put everything into perspective.' I may have to read it.What is your take on grief/anger and how have you handled it?
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